I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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