Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
