dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
