So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
