Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
My dad just said "fuck circus"
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Randomize
