How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
