woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
