Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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