I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
