I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Alive.
So much puke
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
