I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
