I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
