Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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