Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
