so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
