Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
