In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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