Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
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