1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
