We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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