where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
