New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
