I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
