I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I am spending my child support on dildos
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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