You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I wish i was in the wii world.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
