Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
i believe in u and ur pee
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
