so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
