Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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