Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
