Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
She needs sedatives and a leash
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Randomize
