you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize
