my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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