i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
