i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
don't judge my taste in strippers
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
