I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
