Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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