And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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