now i know why i became what i already was.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
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