I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
