what day is it and did you see me today?
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
