a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
