theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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