I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
