You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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