how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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