when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
