I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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