PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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