Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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