tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
